Chaplain-Led Lunch & Learn Series focused on the human domain of leadership, Session #4
Norms:
Respect (for self, others)
Participation
Willingness to Learn
Today, focusing on, “Leading with Empathy: Knowing Your Soldiers, Knowing Yourself, and Building Trust” (w/ “Trauma-Informed Leadership: Navigating Delicate Conversations after Traumatic Events”)
Why? As persons entrusted with the well-being of others, we must learn how, and when, to lead with empathy. When demonstrated well, empathy engenders trust and connection. Cultivating empathy builds this trust because it establishes a sense of safety, respect, and compassion with others and within ourselves.Ultimately, empathy is a skill that everyone can develop and is an art to be practiced if one desires to use empathy effectively.
Defining Terms: Empathy vs. Sympathy
As always, we’ll begin with defining the terms we’re using today. Today, focusing on empathy. But, cannot understand empathy without also defining sympathy. At base, empathy is not sympathy. Past that, we’ll explore…
Discussion: How would you define empathy? How do empathy and sympathy differ for you?
Key difference between empathy and sympathy is feeling with vs. feeling for - the following video will demonstrate this more
= “feelings of pity and sorrow for someone else's misfortune; understanding between people; common feeling”
Feeling for someone
Literally breaks down into sun = “with” and pathos = “feeling” (Gk.)
Expresses care, but from a distance/removed/detached (“I and It” posture à the other is an object who needs attention)
Empathy:
= “the ability to understand and share the feelings of another”
Feeling with someone
Literally breaks down into em = “in” and pathos = “feeling” (Gk.)
relating to someone by experiencing that emotion with them; “walking a mile in their shoes”
Occurs when “the emotion center [of the brain] perceives the feelings of others and the cognitive center [of the brain] tries to understand why they feel that way and how we can be helpful to them” (Miller, 2019)
Expresses care from an intimate, relational perspective (“I and Thou” posture à the humanity in me sees the humanity in you)
Four primary components (Brene Brown):
perspective-taking
listening instead of judging
recognizing a common emotion
communicating the familiarity of the feeling of that emotion
Said otherwise, our level of understanding of another’s experience increases and our willingness to support said person increases as we move from pity à sympathy à empathy à compassion
“I know you feel like giving up right now, and I'm glad you aren't.”
“I can hear your [concern/passion/energy] in your voice.
“You must be feeling so [insert emotion here]” à to do this, must draw on how you would be feeling without projecting your shit
Clarifying Questions:
“Can you tell me more?”
“Help me understand. Are you saying XXX?”
“So, what I hear you saying is XXX. Is that correct?”
Questions before we talk about why we should show empathy?
Of course, there are times to show sympathy, times to show empathy, times to show neither, and times to show both – the art comes in knowing how and when to use each…
Now that we’ve defined empathy, we’re going to take a look at why we should display empathy; in particular, why we should use empathy when in positions of authority and leadership
As always, we’re talking about non-crisis or non-emergency situations, our day-to-day intersections with people
Discussion: Where do you think that empathy belongs or does not belong in the Army? Why? What might be some of the challenges of showing genuine empathy?
Army doctrine actually codifies empathy as a leadership skill:
The Army defines empathy in ADP 6-22 as “when an Army leader can genuinely relate to another person’s situation, motives, or feelings” (Department of the Army, 2019).
ADP 6-22 continues by explaining the importance of empathy. Doctrine says that “empathy allows the leader,” or anyone, “to anticipate what others are experiencing and feeling and gives insight to how decision or actions affect them” (Department of the Army, 2019).
Said otherwise, doctrine implores leaders to put themselves in a Soldiers’ situation or thought process before deciding to take an action that could affect careers or how they provide for their family.
Nowhere in that definition does the Army say to give the Soldier whatever they want or force a leader to “give in” to the Soldier because they are having a challenging time. Rather, to display empathy-informed leadership is to balance understanding of the other with the policies and the interests of an organization. This is the art of leadership.
Army dictates empathy as a leader attribute because there are some major benefits to effective empathy-informed leadership that have direct impact on mission:
People à trust à safety à connection à community à lower suicidality, unhealthy coping mechanisms, alcoholism (put into diagram)
People first: Cultivating empathy as individuals and as an organization simply allows for elevated, people-first decision making
better understanding of how your decisions impact your people
empathy humanizes a situation because it honors an individual’s dignity, shows them respect, and enables the listener to enter into another’s pain with them
Trust: Empathy communicates a concern for the well-being of the individual. If an individual knows that their leadership is genuinely concerned about their holistic well-being and understands their perspective, then that individual is much more likely to trust their organization.
Safety: Without safety, there is no room for failing, healing, and growing. No room for disciplined initiative and risk. Without room for development, there is no outlet for emotions, thoughts, and creativity.
Connection: With no outlet, people become isolated and bitter, void of support and community. Isolation erodes community and, at the individual level, contributes to mental health challenges, alcoholism, and other destructive behaviors.
Questions?
Cultivating & Showing Empathy
Clearly, the Army has a vested interest in its leaders showing and effectively leveraging empathy within their formations. But we talked a bit about the challenges of leading with effective empathy. So, how do we do this?
Empathy for others begins with empathy for ourselves
Self-awareness: Every month we talk about self-awareness: how we manage stress, how we navigate crises, knowing our triggers, avoiding burnout, necessary boundaries for ourselves to maintain wellness
à being self-aware of our own feelings, emotions, biases, perspectives, world views, and lived experiences also help us cultivate empathy for ourselves and for others
Know your story, and tell your story (Who are you? Where do you come from that makes you who you are? How do you understand yourself in the world?)
Self-Compassion and Forgiveness: go easy on yourself, show yourself grace, speak kindly to yourself, and forgive yourself when you make a mistake; silence your inner critic
Be Kind: treat yourself like you would treat a friend if you were being empathic and compassionate; you deserve that same kindness and with-ness
Employ a Growth Mindset: engage each day and interaction as an opportunity to learn and grow about yourself
Express Gratitude: take time to thank yourself for what you appreciated in yourself today
Set Boundaries: if there are people or settings in your life that continue to break you down and reinforce negative self-talk and image, it is okay to set boundaries with them and establish distance so that you can establish closeness with yourself
For others
Cultivating Empathy:
Imagine: Imagine what life/a situation is like for someone else, then ask with genuine curiosity
Broaden Perspective: continuously seek to learn about the lived experiences of others, especially of persons who inhabit a different social location or intersectional identity than you
Travel to places with cultures different than yours
Read books by authors with a different perspective than you, esp. fiction à fiction increases our empathy
Watch TV/movies that center a main character with a different identity than you
Listen to voices that may not sound like yours and that may have opinions that are different than yours
Acknowledge your Biases: acknowledge your biases (we all have them!) and then work to dismantle them so you have fewer barriers between you and others; judgement will only make it harder to cultivate empathy
Help Others: community service and helping, generally, increased empathy for others because it creates social bonds and allows us to get to know someone for who they are
Common Humanity: recognize that we all share a common humanity; we all feel, think, express, and strive to be the best person that we know to be given where we are in life
“ubuntu: I am because you are” – Zulu Proverb
Consider: Consider of others:
What has been their life experience to this point?
How do they see the world and their role in it?
What do they hope to achieve? What do they fear to lose?
Showing Empathy:
Do:
Listen actively w/ no distractions
Pay attention to body language
Listen to your tone of voice
Do Not:
project your shit or interject your own story
judge
presume to know what someone is going to tell you or how they are feeling
Discussion: What do you think are some effective ways that you could use empathy in your organization? What effect might this have?
Why Empathy: Leading After a Traumatic Event
Last few minutes to set the framework for our next two seminars which are on Suicide Postvention: Leadership after Suicidality and Substance Use & the Army: Facts, Myths, and Policies
That framework? Trauma-informed leadership, esp. leading after a traumatic event
This framework comes in our discussion on effective empathy-informed leadership because leading well and creating conditions for healing after a traumatic event, whether an individual or communal trauma, requires empathy
Specially, trauma-informed leadership is knowing how to lead with awareness of the trauma experienced, the potential impact of said trauma on yourself, the persons who experienced the trauma, and your community, and attention to the resources that may be needed to heal from that trauma
Any questions about this definition?
We are going to talk trauma-informed leadership in-depth in October and November but, in the meantime, I want you to reflect on the relationship between empathy and leading after trauma. What does one have to do with the other? How can having empathy help you lead well after a traumatic event (at both the individual and communal levels)?