Chaplain-Led Lunch & Learn Series focused on the human domain of leadership, Session #3
Norms:
Respect (for self, others)
Participation
Willingness to Learn
Today, focusing on, “Healthy Boundary Setting: Setting and Managing Expectations”
Disclaimer: obviously we are talking about normal, day-to-day operations à not in cases of emergency; my hope is we can all discern when we may need to put our boundaries aside given the nature of our jobs…
Why? Setting clear boundaries is an effective way to mitigate stress within ourselves and our organizations. Boundaries enable us to know and communicate our limits, be aware of when our limits are being reached so that we can engage our coping strategies, and help establish mutual trust and respect within our organizations.
Defining Terms: Boundaries
Discussion: What comes to mind when you hear the word boundary? What do you think a boundary is, and what do you think a boundary isn’t?
Word association… gate | border | edge of a cliff | perimeter of a circle
Stigma around boundaries:
Depending on where we grew up, our socialization, our age à we all have different views on what boundaries are, and likely ascribe a value statement to the term (ie. they are “good” or “bad”)
Selfish, disinterested, rude, not invested in the team/job, uncaring
But boundaries are not that, instead, they are quite the opposite!
Broadly = “Healthy boundaries are those [physical, mental, and emotional limits] that are set to make sure mentally and emotionally you are stable” (Prism Health North Texas, n.d) and to “protect ourselves from being manipulated, used, or violated by others”
Take different forms from extremely rigid to extremely porous, and everything in between à healthy boundaries somewhere between these two
Give voice to what rigid vs. porous boundaries look like
and our boundaries may look different at work vs. home vs. with friends vs. family
Healthy boundaries tend to look like:
Valuing own opinion
Not compromising your own values
Sharing personal info in an appropriate way (vs. over or under sharing)
Knowing personal wants and needs; communicating these
Accepting when others say “no” to you
Boundaries fall into a few categories:
Emotional, physical, intimate, workplace, material, time à and the lines that we draw for each category are all rooted in our core values and beliefs
Personal = “the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationship” (Berkeley)
Professional = “the limits and rules we set for ourselves within a [working] relationship” + the “limits to the relationship between ourselves in a professional role and the person(s) for whom we are responsible” (given our positions within an organization)
we are focusing on healthy professional boundaries today and looking @ professional boundaries for you to establish:
For yourself (to protect your own energy and wellbeing, so you can be your best self at work and at home)
With those for whom you are responsible (to enforce appropriate work relationships and prevent the lines between professional and personal from being confounded)
Questions?
à will come back to discuss examples of each of these kinds of boundaries, how to set them given tools that we already possess, and how to communicate our boundaries à but first… We need to talk about why boundaries are important
Why Boundaries?
Discussion: Why do you think knowing and communicating our own boundaries is important?
When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated.” ― Brené Brown
Poor boundaries lead to:
Overwork
Mismanaged priorities
Unclear expectations
Poor communication/Misunderstanding
Resentment
Poor health overall (spiritual, mental, emotional, physical, familial, financial…)
à Unnecessary stress & the potential for burnout, quitting, and/or existential harm
Efficient communication (people know the system, the process, and how to contact you so that you will receive the info well and vice versa)
Effective working conditions
Increased focused
Clear expectations
Mitigated stress and burnout
Clear delineation of relationships (which is important in a hierarchical organization)
Mission Command à workplace defined by cohesive teams rooted in mutual trust where personnel feel empowered to make informed decisions and take prudent risk without fear of reprimand or premature exhaustion
Setting healthy, thoughtful boundaries builds respect and trust, empowers you to manage your own energy so that you can stay in the game longer and be more effective in your relationships and jobs, and show up well for yourself and others
@ end of day: professional boundaries are a stress and mental health management technique that enable us to protect ourselves and protect others so that our organizations can be both efficient and be uplifting places, rooted in values, where we actually want to work
Setting & Communicating Boundaries
Few general guidelines to follow for setting boundaries, w/ some nuances for in our specific professional setting à starting w/ general guidelines…
Know thyself (ie. know your values; your triggers; what is under your iceberg, your priorities, etc.)
Know that you have a right to personal boundaries, simply by nature of existing as an autonomous human who has inherent worth
Define:
Identify the actions and behaviors that you find unacceptable (be clear with yourself on what your “line” is pertaining to physical contact, verbal interactions, your own space, when you need to take a break à this is based on your core values, beliefs, and world view)
Said otherwise, determine what is “okay” with you and what is “not okay”
Communicate:
Tell the necessary parties what your boundaries are
Be straight forward, and as firm as needed
Express why this boundary is needed, why it is important to you
Trust: Trust and believe in yourself (you are the authority on you!)
Professionally (ie. in the Army)
When setting boundaries at work, all of the above applies à and we need to take into account the uniqueness of our profession as being professional Soldiers in the US Army
There are certain boundaries that we may not be able to set, times our boundaries may be violated or crossed by ourselves and others, and we may feel awkward setting boundaries because they are counter-cultural in our Army culture
For yourself
Do the above
With those for whom you are responsible
**This is the added nuance for our profession b/c of the hierarchical and legal nature of our org
Do the above + set a clear line, clear expectations à growing up, my dad would always say, “I’m not your friend, I’m your dad” à it is similar in our world. The lines may feel blurred while we are deployed, b/c we work so closely with one another but, at the end of the day, we are not all friends and lines need to be drawn to uphold order and discipline
Discussion: What are some examples of healthy boundaries that could be set in the workplace?
Examples of professional boundaries:
Time:
Establishing office hours
Example: rather than a blanket “I am always available for you,” a commander may say, “I am always available and, specifically, from 1300-1400 every Wednesday I am in my office, with my door open, existing for the sole reason to talk with you”
Set time limits: if you only have 15 minutes to give, communicate that up front and stick to that
Keep a calendar and block out time for you (eg. Block out your time to read, write, think, workout, eat, etc.)
Communication:
Set norms for your office space. What is it used for? What sort of communication is appropriate? What is not?
Example: S3 did a great job with this à when we first arrived, MAJ Fell explained the challenges that the 3 shop would face and the importance of being able to focus. He then explicitly stated not to just linger in the 3 shop as this could be a distraction to their work. This was told to everyone.
Make clear a hierarchy and channels of communication (and make sure you know these channels à ie. who is your boss, you can assign you work, who do you report to, etc.)
Set times that you are available for phone calls, if possible
Example: MG Beagle, the CG of Ft. Drum just issued an order to not call, text, or use group chats before 0500 and after 1800 (aside from emergencies)
Set times for yourself to respond to emails (ie. only at 0900 and 1700), if possible
Choose what communication channels you put in your signature block (adding a cell phone is not mandatory à you need to choose what is easiest for you; for example: for me, I chose to publicize my personal cell so that all communication goes to one place = strea
Don’t talk about what you don’t want to talk about
Including: holding people and yourself accountable if inappropriate tones of voices or attitudes are used, if jokes are made that attack a people group or identity
Systematize:
Establish systems for others to adhere to
Example: S4 requires cars are reserved 3 days in advance via completing the NTV request form and sending it to SPC Hatchell à this came about because many of us were inundating the 4 shop with last minute requests which distracted them from their current projects
Have frequently asked questions? Direct folks there! Example: LT Pompa has an awesome auto responder on his email that does just that. Take a look:
This saves him the headache of answering the same question 54 times in a day à which allows him to focus on other problems
Prioritize:
Be honest with yourself, your boss, your team, etc. when you don’t have the capacity to complete something in the time allotted à but then be sure to propose a solution
For example, you are given a task to develop a product. You are told that that product needs to be done by 0900 the next day. You’ve already scheduled out your day and do not have space to build another product. Approach this by first gaining clarification on the timeline. Does this product really need to be done by 0900? If yes, then do it. Sorry. If no, then communicate by when you could have it done and work with your boss to compromise on this new timeline. Often, we task others or are tasked without having a full picture of what is already on our plates. Most times, due dates are flexible à you just need to have a conversation!
Relationships:
Maintain a line between boss and friend = separating personal life from professional life by not over-sharing too much about their personal life; consider who you add on social media and what your comfort level is (I accept all requests because my accounts are public, but I do not send requests; others, may not accept anyone)
Personal Space:
Turn your phone off/set it to the side for a designated amount of time
Take leave! And when you are on leave, be on leave. Set an autoresponder and make arrangements for someone to cover for you while you are gone. The organization will keep going.
**Key: communicate these boundaries to the necessary parties (ie. probs your boss) and via the systems you have in place once you set them; otherwise, no one will know to follow them and then you can’t be upset about that…
Tools that we already possess that help us set healthy boundaries:
Doctrine/Regulations/Policies
Laws
Programs: EO, SHARP, IG
Our own codes of ethics, values
Discussion: How do you think these tools help us establish healthy boundaries?
Personal Life
More or less the same process to establish healthy boundaries in your personal life as it is in your professional life, but I highly recommend not treating persons in your personal life like you would your co-workers à your partners probs would not appreciate that à so, consider how you approach a conversation with a partner about setting a boundary
Not talking more about this today, but if interested, we can have another convo about boundaries with friends, partners, and family
Communicating Boundaries:
Mentioned a few times that communicating our boundaries once they are set is key…
Discussion: What do you think are some effective ways that you could communicate your boundaries in your personal and professional relationships?
How to communicate boundaries:
Coordinate with whoever needs to approve of your flow (ie. your boss)
Post signs
In your email signature block or autoresponder
Via discussion with your boss, coworkers, and subordinates
à always communicate the why a boundary is important to you so that there is a shared awareness, appreciation, and a deeper understanding
Crossing boundaries:
Sometimes, boundaries are crossed. Sometimes that is necessary, sometimes accident, sometimes purposeful. No matter what, it sucks when they are violated à so want to take a minute to discuss what to do if they are.
Discussion: Are there times that our boundaries may need to be crossed?
Responding when our boundaries are crossed (out of necessity, unintentionally, and purposefully)
Necessity:
It happens, that is the nature of our job à just be aware of when it is happening and then engage your coping mechanisms and self-care practices to reset
If something is always deemed an “emergency,” then worth a conversation with whoever is calling it that to discern what really is and isn’t an emergency, and how you can work together to manage that so that your boundaries can be respected
*If you are the one crossing someone’s boundary, it is courteous to express that (1) you know you are, (2) that this will not be the norm, and (3) explain why this is a need
Unintentionally:
Accidents happen, especially if our boundaries aren’t known!
Breathe and slow yourself down before you respond
Bring up the boundary violation right away and as clearly as possible, focusing on the concrete example à most folks will feel compassionate when you do this and will take this into account in future conversations; they probs just didn’t know.
Purposefully:
Repeated boundary violations after communicating your boundaries clearly likely suggest that your boundaries are being purposefully violated
Document that
Engage help (your boss, peers, help professionals, Army systems)
Conclusion
Today, talked about what boundaries are, why they are important to set, how to set them, examples of professional boundaries, and what to do if our boundaries are crossed à focused on professional setting as people leading people